First Round
https://sites.google.com/view/journey-with-me/project-2
Revised 1- 4/8/18
https://sites.google.com/view/journey-with-me/project-2-revision-1
Revised 2 - 4/15/18
https://sites.google.com/view/journey-with-me/the-end-we-face-project-2/project-2-revision-2
ReplyDeleteI love your opening paragraph. Your writing is amazing and is structured very well. I like that you chose Emily Dickinson as someone to discuss. She was a unique writer that did not get the credit she deserved during her life. Her poetry is amazing and I like the poem that you selected. It was an excellent choice and supported your topic. I also like that you Charles Baudelaire to compare her to. They had similar styles but were very different in terms of social class and gender. Seeing those differences in gender and social class be set aside and their work focusing on very similar topics just shows that no matter how different people may be they can come together with similar ideas. It was very nice to see Ghalib as a comparison to the Dickinson and Baudelaire because he had so much loss in his life but his poems were not about Romanticizing death but more of a bewilderment as to why it had to happen. Overall I really enjoyed reading your project and I look forward to reading more of your work.
Hey Savannah
ReplyDeleteYour start is very strong I think it is very interesting that you chose to introduce your topic by critically thinking bout death its self and even throw in how society handles death. It is a great way to draw readers and made me want to read further. Also the way you flood your points with quotes is very helpful and seeing how both the authors are similar. This is ironic that I also chose to compare two author's work in my project and it went well and I see this was the same case with your essay because it is very clear. Ghalib was also one of the authors I used and his ability to give love advice in the beginning of the poem. Your conclusion is also very well put together because you didn't end it generically with "in conclusion" but you switched it up and ended your essay strong.
Hey Savannah! I wanted to start off saying how much I really enjoyed reading your first paragraph. It was definitely an attention grabber and showed how much thought you had put into your essay. Death is something people feel different about and I like how you stated all cultures view death differently. It may be a scary and tragic thing, yet it can still be beautiful. I also like how you said death is the one thing that binds all humans together since we will all die at one point so it's something we all inevitably share in common. Your thesis was clear and organized in the first paragraph as well so it was easy to follow along your work and understand what the whole essay was about. You ended your conclusion well thought out just like your introduction. You are a very strong and well-written writer and I encourage you to keep up with the creativity and good work. I look forward to reading your next project submission and the rest of your other work. Nice job and good luck.
ReplyDeleteHi Savannah
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed that you pretty much laid out the main point that you were going to talk about in each of the paragraphs because it got me ready for what the topic you are about discuss and what I was about to be thinking about. I think you had a great contextual evidence and you did a great job incorporating the literature and quotes from it into your project that made it flow very well together. I like how you also gave some detail about the stories you read before you go in depth and answer your thesis. I also like how you formatted your project it made it easy to read and follow. Your project also answers your main question pretty good.and I also agree with your theme of death has been shown everywhere as well in different forms. I could not really find anything wrong or you needed to fix. Overall, you did an excellent job and I really enjoyed reading your second project.
Hello Savannah!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your second project because it has some really good insights. Emily Dickinson is such an interesting person in her own right and was historically one who did all her best work in solitude. You touched on a lot of that in your second paragraph which was perfect because it fit so neatly with your topic and your thesis. because she was so alone, she thought about death in a very different way. Your paragraph on Ghalib was also equally as interesting because you dive into his own personal struggles. His culture and struggles definitely do cause a different view of death than that of Dickinson. And at the end, I agree that death was highly romanticized. I thought that was a perfect sentence to summarize how all the authors viewed death. Your overall project was strong in my opinion and I can't think of anything to add. You had great sources and evidence but maintained a good balance with your own thoughts and dialogue. Great job Savannah!
Savannah, first off, your introduction was intriguing and well-said. You beautifully defined death as the inevitable end that binds humanity together in common. Your introduction grabbed my attention immediately and I wanted to see what your analysis would reveal. You pulled out facts through Emily Dickerson poem 449- “one person died for beauty while the other died for truth. Yet, they are brethren” to support your thesis. You did a beautiful job transitioning to Charles Baudelaire and his description of death- He writes "And render to Nature a hundredfold gift of all she'd united in one." I love how you analyzed it as her death being something that “would give life to new things.” Also, I want to interject a small spelling error in the 3rd paragraph “Dickinson was a female and had little to know (it should be the word “no”) option to hold her.”
ReplyDeleteYour ending was strong as well. The only suggestion I have is this sentence “Which is where we find these three authors” seems to not support the sentence that preceded it. It seems as if people stray away from death which is what the sentence before it says the it seems that it would say “this is not where we find these three authors”.
Hi Savannah,
ReplyDeleteI definitely enjoyed reading your second project submission. I think it was beautifully written, you have a nice way with words. Although your project was really well written, I had a little confusion over what specifically I was meant to take away from reading it. I think you did a great job of introducing the various writers that you mentioned and discussing the ways in which each author used death as a theme in their works. However, I feel as if there wasn’t a single common point, besides the theme of death, that tied together the ideas of your paper. A simple fix would be including a clearly stated thesis to introduce the argument you wanted to make with your project. For example, I can tell that throughout your paper you have included the idea that these authors you mentioned, who wrote so passionately about death, managed to almost escape death by continuing to live on in the memories of their readers. However, it is not overly obvious that this is potentially the main point of the paper because multiple other ideas seem to overshadow it a bit. Aside from making sure the point of your project is really evident, I don’t think you really need to alter anything else. I love your writing style and I think you’ve done brilliant work on this second project.
Hello Savannah, your second project submission was very good. One of the things I like the most about your project was the strong introduction you displayed. The introduction was a good attention grabber which made me more interested in reading to see what you had to say about your topic. Another thing I liked about your project was the paragraph structuring. Each paragraph wasn't too little nor too much instead it was just the right amount to deliver the points you were making between both stories. Lastly I thought that the detail of explanation after the quotes were accurate and helped explain your topic accuratley. I didn't see any errors that needed to be fixed. Your project was enjoyable to read and I especially liked that you went into describing the authors and their work. Overall nice job Savannah you did a good job and I look forward to reading future works from you.
ReplyDeleteHi Savannah! I enjoyed your second project submission for sure! I could tell that you took the time to thoroughly connect each and every paragraph to your main topic of death and how all the author's somehow connect to immortality through their ever-lasting works. I really enjoyed your take on this because you were very much on point of how most human's view death. For example, I completely agree that most people typically avoid death or try to postpone it as long as they can. I also really liked the mentioning of how similar Dickinson was to Edgar Allan Poe because I completely agree with that. Overall, I do not see anything that needs fixing. Your project submission is very well organized, described, analyzed, and on point. Your introduction and conclusion is also very well put together and perfectly connects with the rest of your project submission and what you are trying to say. You did an amazing job on your project submission. Keep up the amazing work!
ReplyDeleteHi savannah
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed that you pretty much laid out the main point that you were going to talk about in each of the paragraphs because it got me ready for what the topic you are about discuss and what I was about to be thinking about. I think you had a great contextual evidence and you did a great job incorporating the literature and quotes from it into your project that made it flow very well together. I also like how you formatted your project it made it easy to read and follow. Your project also answers your main question pretty good I think. I could not really find anything wrong or you needed to fix since you made great corrections to your second project. You did a great job I enjoyed reading your 2nd project keep up the good work I hope to read more of your work.